\n[Editor’s note: There’s no way<\/i> The Daily Vault
\ncould expect its readers to read a scholarly analysis on<\/i> The
\nTransformers – The Movie
\nsoundtrack while keeping a straight face (the humor coming
\neither intentionally or unintentionally from the writer). It would
\nbe like<\/i> Harper’s
\nmagazine reviewing the latest<\/i> Star Trek
\nnovel (though we’re most likely not<\/i> Harper’s
\n-quality authors, but what do they know about music anyway?).
\nSo, after some debate, it was agreed the best way to review this
\nalbum would be to put the text in the form of the nerdiest form of
\nliterature in existence: fan-fiction (basically, fans writing
\nepisodes for shows like<\/i> The X-Files
\nor<\/i> Star Wars
\ninstead of the show\/genre creators). Proceed at your own
\nrisk.]<\/i><\/p>\n
1:47 p.m.<\/p>\n
Spike Witwicky was well aware of the 2 p.m. deadline he and his
\nrobot friend, Jazz had to meet. If they failed to produce a great
\npiece of music to be the backdrop of Autobot leader Optimus Prime’s
\nspeech to the world, the Autobots would likely be exiled to space
\non orders from world leaders. CTU agents Jack Bauer and President
\nPalmer, of the United States, warned Spike that if the soundtrack
\nbehind Optimus Prime’s speech was cheesy, weak and basically lame,
\nregardless of the nostalgia the music would invoke from listeners,
\nthe balance of power would fall into the evil Decepticon’s hands.
\nHeroic robot Jazz was in his Porsche mode with Spike driving
\nthrough the busy Manhattan streets.<\/p>\n
“Spike, we must use the soundtrack to
\nTransformers – The Movie<\/i>. The movie defined who we were and
\nis a certified cult favorite. The soundtrack itself still moves
\ncopies on Amazon and Ebay. And on top of that, special agent Fox
\nMulder said it was one of his favorite CDs to listen to while
\nsearching for alien life in rural Nebraska.”<\/p>\n
Spike nervously wiped sweat off of his neck and pressed Jazz’s
\nbrake, not wanting to get pulled over with the weight of the world
\non his shoulder for the next 13 minutes.<\/p>\n
“Yes, but \u2026”<\/p>\n
Jazz cut him off.<\/p>\n
“And — the lyrics are inspirational for virtually all of the
\nsongs. The opening song, ‘The Touch,’ by Stan Bush is about
\nachieving despite overwhelming odds. Bush’s other song, ‘Dare’ has
\na great build up of drumming, synth and guitars to the memorable
\nchorus ‘Dare, dare to believe you can survive’ — it’s as inspiring
\nas any Christian rock song in recent memory.” Jazz paused
\nthoughtfully as his internal systems told him to pull off on the
\nnext exit, “And I’ve heard so many kids and adults say they
\nautomatically associate scenes in
\nTransformers – The Movie<\/i> with the music.”<\/p>\n
Spike nodded compassionately. He understood Jazz’s blind
\noptimism, but his years of working on oil rigs alerted him to a far
\nmore prevalent trait of human behavior: cynicism. “Agreed, Jazz,
\nbut association doesn’t make a song great. I remember the song
\n‘Dance Hall Days’ by Wang Chung, not because of its great song
\nstructure, but because a jock pushed me into a punch bowl during
\nthe back-to-school dance while that song was playing.” He
\ncontinued, “This wasn’t like
\nMagnolia<\/i> or
\nThe Graduate<\/i> where music was the centerpiece of scenes. The
\nsongs in
\nTransformers – The Movie<\/i> are rife with virtually every
\nstereotype of pedestrian hard rock: overuse of synthesizers,
\nshrill, lyrics like ‘you gotta fight\/never surrender\/don’t give
\nup,’ which sound like they were ripped from signs high school
\ncoaches hang in lockers. These songs were played while everyone’s
\nfavorite characters in their favorite after-school cartoon were
\ngetting killed in the movie.” Spike clinched his teeth and
\nconcluded, “Plus, non-Transformers fans will recognize Stan Bush’s
\nsong ‘The Touch’ as the song that Mark Wahlberg sang in
\nBoogie Nights<\/i> during his fall from grace — they won’t
\nassociate it with inspiration.” Spike formed his concluding
\nargument: “If we could use something that could combine cheesiness
\nand heart better, maybe the Chemical Brothers or The Flaming Lips
\n— their
\nSoft Bulletin<\/i> or
\nYoshimi<\/i> period…”<\/p>\n
“No, no, Spike. We have to play by the rules, we can’t play
\nanything before 1986, when this soundtrack was released, for the
\nUnited Nations. We gotta use the same resources and inspiration the
\nsoundtrack creators had at that time.” Jazz pleaded, “Besides, it
\nhas Weird Al Yankovic’s ‘Dare to be Stupid.’ No geek soundtrack is
\ncomplete without a Weird Al song.”<\/p>\n
The United Nations came within the view. Spike white-knuckled
\nthe steering wheel. He knew the soundtrack sucked. But he couldn’t
\nconvince people not to buy it. Whether he liked it or not, most
\npeople who owned the soundtrack knew they were getting cheese – and
\nthey didn’t seem to mind. They even liked it. Maybe the soundtrack
\nwasn’t meant to be an artistic statement like
\nMagnolia<\/i>,
\nTrainspotting<\/i> or even
\nSouth Park – Bigger, Louder and Uncut<\/i>. He grabbed Jazz’s
\nsmart-looking receiver and spoke to Mulder, President Palmer, Jean
\nGrey and Scully, “The Autobots are going to use their soundtrack as
\na backdrop to Optimus Prime’s speech. I have exhausted all means of
\ndebate. The soundtrack is a sentimental favorite. But, I will be on
\nrecord against this soundtrack — despite the fact that, yes, if
\nyou watch the movie — it will be nearly impossible to keep these
\nsongs out of your head for literally decades, that doesn’t change
\nthe fact that the soundtrack sucks. In fact\u2026 on a grade
\nscale\u2026I would have to give it a\u2026”<\/p>\n
C-<\/p>\n
1:59:58 1:59:59 2:00:00 \u2026<\/p>\n
Rating: C-<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":26792,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"tags":[],"artist":[5729],"rating":[11207],"class_list":["post-38065","review","type-review","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","artist-soundtrack","rating-rating-tbd"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/review\/38065","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/review"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/review"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38065"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/review\/38065\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/26792"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38065"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38065"},{"taxonomy":"artist","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/artist?post=38065"},{"taxonomy":"rating","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyvault.adishjain.in\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/rating?post=38065"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}