As a member of the Vault’s review panel, I’m always looking for music that’ll get both my pen and my booty moving.\u00a0 While rummaging\u00a0through my sister’s CDs recently, I considered (and discarded) dozens of options.\u00a0 It wasn’t until I flipped over the final case that inspiration struck\u2026 but lo, how it did.\u00a0 With one glimpse of an oddly-familiar mullet, the heavens opened up — or rather, the \u201880s version thereof.\u00a0 The room filled with fake fog and fuchsia lasers.\u00a0 The double-necked, flame-painted guitar within my heart sang.\u00a0 Within my trembling hands, I held the greatest record in the history of the world.<\/p>\n
Lest Sgt. Pepper<\/i> get its boxers in a bunch, I’ll concede that Billy Squier’s Absolute Hits<\/i> isn’t technically a \u201crecord.\u201d\u00a0 It’s a compilation.\u00a0 But before spurning it, consider this: champagne is compiled <\/i>from thousands of squished grapes.\u00a0 The Mona Lisa was compiled <\/i>from innumerable blobs of paint.\u00a0 Let the popular kids brag all they want. \u201cOooh, look at me!\u00a0 I’m such a modern classic!\u00a0 I’m soooo critically acclaimed!\u201d<\/p>\n
Absolute Hits<\/i> isn’t ashamed of its origins. Quite the contrary.\u00a0 It is the Chateau Lafite-Rothschild of arena rock, culled from the finest power chords, synthesizers, and hilarious displays of machismo.\u00a0 In hoity-toity circles, only \u201cserious\u201d albums are considered masterpieces.\u00a0 However, Absolute Hits’<\/i> milieu isn’t most circles. It’s actually kind of oblong.\u00a0 It’s the Arena of Awesomeness, where men are men, jeans are tight and — as Squier’s “All Night Long” clearly states \u2013 \u201c\u2026survival is the art of turning me on!\u201d<\/p>\n
In this rarefied, \u201cWOOOOOO!\u201d-filled air, does Blood On The Tracks<\/i> have what it takes to survive?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It does not.\u00a0 It would receive a firm metaphorical wedgie.\u00a0 But you, constant listener?\u00a0 If you tease your hair, close your eyes, and take Billy’s hand, you just might.<\/i><\/p>\n
Absolute Hits’ <\/i>selections are neither diverse nor surprising.\u00a0 They’re formulaic — however, the formula was solid enough to catapult man and mullet to superstardom.\u00a0 Like his pout-tastic cover photo, Squier’s songs are clean and lean, suggestive and aggressive.\u00a0 \u201cEverybody Wants You\u201d pairs taut, undulating guitar with a drum line simple enough to stomp along to, insistent enough that entire stadiums of Reagan-era rock fans did precisely that.\u00a0 This stripped-down, amped-up style is what makes Squier absurdly enjoyable to this day.\u00a0 Other \u201880s acts were undone by their own laziness, lack of focus and guitar solos which sounded like someone feeding a screech owl through a Cuisinart.<\/p>\n
Billy Squier, however, rocked.\u00a0 He rocked well.\u00a0 He rocked without frills or silliness.\u00a0 And when sufficient heights of rock-itude had been achieved, he knew when to stop.\u00a0 His best-known song, \u201cThe Stroke,\u201d is a splendid example of the Squier aesthetic.\u00a0 Not since \u201cWe Will Rock You\u201d has there been such an irresistible hard-rock Sousa march.\u00a0 The magic’s is in what’s missing.\u00a0 The lead guitar’s got a nice touch of funk, but other than that, there’s nary a hint of frivolity.\u00a0 Even synthesizers — so often a harbinger of Lycra and shame — are used judiciously.\u00a0 The synths on \u201cMy Kinda Lover\u201d are subtle, steady little swells which complement the track’s rough-edged guitars.\u00a0 Like the majority of songs, it’s built on a killer rhythm.\u00a0 \u201cIn The Dark” is faster and more jagged, \u201cEye on You\u201d is softer and more organic; however, they’re all a variation on the same theme:\u00a0a beating heart, a pumping fist, a thousand sneakers pounding on bleachers.\u00a0 It’s a hook as old as music itself, and Squier works it for all it’s worth. <\/p>\n
The greatest record in the history of the world is not without problems.\u00a0 I’m sure there are sections of the Sistine Chapel which Michelangelo would’ve preferred to Wite-Out, had that fine product been available in his era.\u00a0 Absolute Hit<\/i>‘s canvas is marred by asinine lyrics, for sure.\u00a0 \u201cShe Goes Down\u201d (the sloppiest track as well as the newest) doesn’t even bother with innuendo (lines like “She’ll make you swallow” indicate that perhaps Bernie Taupin was on vacation that week).\u00a0 Squier\u2019s vocals often evoke Robert Plant, sans shrillness (good!) and range (not so good).\u00a0 His delivery, unlike Plant’s, is more often sultry than shrieky.\u00a0 That silly, overinflated sexiness helped drive Squier\u2019s music (pelvic thrusts have a distinguished role in the history of rock);\u00a0alas, it was also his downfall.<\/p>\n
To my knowledge, the \u201cRock Me Tonite\u201d video wasn’t conceived as a joke.\u00a0 However, it did feature Squier flouncing around a bedroom like a cross between a sulky teenager and Silence Of The Lambs<\/i>‘ Jame Gumb (who enjoyed transvestite vamping almost as much as peeling\u00a0his victims like\u00a0bananas).\u00a0