In our salute to our tenth anniversary some time ago, our beloved El Jefe Jason Warburg pointed out “Duke Egbert gives a lot of ‘A’s – it’s a documented fact. This tells you two things: he likes writing about music he enjoys, and lord help you if he doesn’t enjoy yours.”
True enough, Jason. In fact, on an informal and quick count, I have written 332 reviews for the DV – and given ten grades of D+ or less. It’s hard to get me to grade below “C” level. Well, how nice of Hollis Brown, the latest corporate-cloned, disposable American rock band, that they’ve created an album that explains exactly HOW to get that kind of rating from me. So for all you three-chord garage monkeys who enjoy reading my negative prose, here is the Hollis Brown Step-By-Step Make Duke Hate Your Album How-To List.
1) Have a lead singer that wants to be Robert Plant, but doesn’t have the talent, vocal range, or sheer balls to do so and ends up sounding like Tiny Tim imitating Mike Scott (and that’s not a rip on Scott).
2) Be as generic as possible while writing your songs. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, write or perform a song interesting enough that it sticks in your head longer than Paris Hilton’s volunteer shift at a soup kitchen.
3) Rip off riffs from The Rolling Stones, The Eagles, Tom Petty, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and Led Zeppelin. Remember, kids, you have to pay for samples and mashups, but guitar riffs are the musical equivalent of the bank accounts of Bernie Madoff’s victims: easy, myriad, and profitable.
4) Make sure your drummer only knows two or three beats. If complicated percussion equaled commercial success, Neil Peart would be dating Tila Tequila.
5) Oh, about that lead singer; make sure that if he’s NOT singing falsetto, he’s nasal and indistinct enough that a combined listening panel of Bon Scott, Bob Dylan, and Stevie Nicks would recommend he get diction lessons.
6) Include just enough harmonica that you can sucker in some of the Blues Traveler fans, at least long enough to cash the checks.
7) See 6, but replace ‘harmonica’ and ‘Blues Traveler’ with ‘steel guitar’ and ‘Willie Nelson.’
8) Make sure you look the part. Have some of the scruffiest facial hair since the ‘More Cowbell!’ skit. Make sure your lead singer can wear big shades and a trilby hat without looking too ironic.
9) Have occasional moments where you almost sound interesting, then go back to your pseudo-hipster suckage. The sting of betrayal and accompanying vitriol is that much sweeter.
10) Have the best thing your publicist can say about you is that you appeared on MTV’s “The College Life.”
